Tuesday, January 20, 2015

When you're a dairy farmer, everything looks like a river of poop.

The highly informed readers of "Riddled" are, of course, aware of the seasonal distress that is afflicting New Zild at the moment. Other cultures with experience of these climatic extremes might call this "summer".
New Zilinders, however, take a more nuanced view of the higher temperatures and longer sunshine hours:
City and some rural people explain slowly and carefully that this is due to climate change because, look, the climate has changed. We used to have summer from December to February and while it got hot and we had droughts sometimes it wasn't every fecking year like it is now from January to April.
Farming people say "Lawks a mercy, we have run out of water. We need more water, more cows and less blimmin' government regulations holding down the backbone of the economy which is us by the way. Also this is not a handout we are asking for just unfettered access to water"
Power companies say "Lawks a mercy, we are running out of water, we need more water and less regulation and no taxes because look we are the backbone of the economy. Also get a job losers".
The government says "Lawks a mercy, we are running out of water and need to reduce house prices in Auckland. To do this, we must change a few minor parts of the Resource Management Act and give ALL THE WATER to farmers and power companies. Also, it sucks to be you, in our opinion."
Thus, by careful consideration of the issues which surround the backbone of the New Zild economy and by listening carefully to all stakeholders in the issue on an ongoing basis in a going forward momentum situation NZ decides to give ALL THE WATER to business people.
 Who could have foreseen this outcome?
 Brave new Zild Prime Minister John Key meanwhile, bravely goes to see The UK Prime Minister , at Chequers, where he bravely tells David Cameron that "Where Britain goes, so we goes to the- that place - we'll go too, not me though" And the NZ media soberly reports it as "Kiwis join anti-Islamic coalition" bless them. They have since retracted that and renamed it the "Anti-Islamic Crusade". Because the rugby team Canterbury Crusaders have...LOOK A SQUIRREL!!

12 comments:

rhwombat said...

I presume your Prime Mustelid was actually offering the Canterbury Crusaders to do Hakas at the assembled Daesh multitudes, 'cause otherwise:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xUYbI64QHI

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Who could have foreseen this outcome?

Ayn Rand is in the air. Everywhere.
~

OBS said...

LOOK A SQUIRREL

You'll trigger a zombie with talk like that.

Another Kiwi said...

"100% there for the taking" Sir, we can only be bought out by American film studios, Sir. Just keep The Mad Monk and his Speedos away from us. Geneva Convention and all that.

rhwombat said...

Awww. You're no fun. Toxic Toady has been banned from Queensland until Canned Do Newman steals another election, and TT is too accident-prone to put anywhere there is a fuel load and a match, so we have to send him somewhere. Haven't you got some sheep to scare?

Jennifer said...

When you teach bats... everything looks like a river of guano...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Lookit you NewZedLanders with your fancy-pants tags. What happened to the classics?
~

Scot Chansoder said...

Here in dear old austerity Blighty, milk is currently cheaper than water, (bottled anyway) Take THAT, farmers!

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Marie Antoinette sez: If you don't have any water, just drink beer.

rhwombat said...

Scot:
You could try putting the cows into reverse.

Smut Clyde said...

Cows do not have a reverse gear. Come to that, getting them anywhere above 2nd gear is just not worth the effort, and as for cruise control, forgeddaboudit.

rhwombat said...

Scot + B4 + Smut:
OK, but I wouldn't drink that beer - there may be a good reason why it tastes like cowpiss.