Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Must be your eyes up on Mars
But it seems like the headlights from the cars

Mars, ancient Mars. Planet of mystery. Planet of MBA degrees, cuff-links, 360° reviews and 6-Sigma consultancies.
We are disappoint. This is not the Mars we were promised, all red and purple like Bruce Pennington cover art, where the corners of the ruins are rounded by millennia of sand-storms, and the weak light from a distant sun sinks without trace in the black water that runs low in the immemorial canals.
Carse walked beside the still black waters in their ancient channel, cut in the dead sea-bottom. He watched the dry wind shake the torches that never went out and listened to the broken music of the harps that were never stilled. Lean lithe men and women passed him in the shadowy streets, silent as cats except for the chime and whisper of the tiny bells the women wear, a sound as delicate as rain, distillate of all the sweet wickedness of the world.
Nevertheless the Business Secrets of Martians are an incontestable fact, and here are Manuel Arulmani and Victor Ranjitham Hema Latha to explain them:
The human population lived in MARS planet in prehistoric time shall be called as SUPER MANAGERS with super wisdom. They were considered as great astronomers and experts in management of various planets and in the space in overcoming the prehistoric severe climate conditions occurred due to misalignment of plan-ets. They had only three fundamental principles of management called AKKIE PRINCIPLES or AKKIE CODE.
[Emphases not mine, possibly those of Akkie Managers]. But wait, there's more!
The main reason for failure of objective shall be considered as “deviation to prehistoric standard Akkie principles”. Hence “TRANSFORMATION” is required in all types of business in all organizations. Transformation shall mean reset to Akkie principles. Authors focuse that Akkie principles shall be considered as the most fundamental principles (Ref. [2]). It is hypothesized that the prehistorical population has already lived in MARS planet. They shall be considered as Akkie population. The Akkie population shall also be considered as black population. The principles of modern management shall be transformed from the fundamental principles of prehistoric Akkie population called as Akkie principles, Akkie management (Ref. [2-4]).
Arulmani and Hema Latha are an industrious couple, having recently published no fewer than 74 papers, where "published" is a term of art which here takes the meaning "paid some academic jizz-mop of a journal to turn into a PDF". Another eleventy-dozen papers were squeezed out through various imprints of the egregious Marsland Press, sometimes sustaining entire issues of "Cancer Biology", but these do not appear in Arulmani's own list; it may be that they chose the publisher on the basis of its name.

The authors' industry is not matched by originality, for all the papers are permutations of a small number of claims (self-plagiarism is not an issue when one's preferred publishing outlets define "peer review" as "close inspection of the cheque"). It is invidious to pick out specific entries from the list but nevertheless I call your attention to
Great Obelisks [before sand]
#24 PYRAMIDS ARE PREHISTORIC RF ANTENNA?! and
#25 HUMAN IS A ROAM FREE CELL PHONE?! and
#18 Barack Obama is Tamil Based Indian? and
#50 “E-LANKA” THE TAMIL CONTINENT?

The Prehistoric Tamil Mars Code features regularly... the primordial form of writing, far more efficient than all the later writing systems into which it degenerated, in that it requires only a single glyph, conveying millions of different meanings.

Also the Primal Winged Human form, and what appears to be an early Underground map. Albeit one which cannot be found in the pages of the Metronomicon, Abdul al-Hazmat's blasphemous Book of Binding of the Timetables.

"What happens when Dravidian racial-supremacy theories merge with business administration and Steiner's Anthroposophy and barking insanity?" asked absolutely no-one, but now we are looking at the answer. The Arulmani-Hema Latha oeuvre belongs to the literature of Dravidian / Tamil racial superiority. There is quite a lot of it out there, identifying the Harappan / Indus Valley Culture as Proto-Dravidian and crediting it as the source of all civilisation everywhere in the world. Money to fund racial-superiority publications sloshes over from the Tamil Nadu state budget (where Tamil-ascendant mythic archeology was official textbook doctrine) and from private supremacist benefactors. Since the funders could not give two tugs on a dead dingo's dick for the quality of publications, author / fantasists enjoy the kind of job security that right-wing pundits would envy, while the income stream for mockademic bottom feeders is equally reliable.
This genre usually invokes the lost continent of Lemuria / Mu -- the heart of the Dravidian Empire, destroyed by floods or vulcanism -- to explain why Tamils, despite their superiority, are not in fact masters of the world (although “Barack Obama is Tamil Based Indian“). Riddled readers have previously encountered another pair of similarly-themed and vanity-published ‘scientists’, Ravikumar Kurup A. and Parameswara Achutha Kurup.
Arulmani and Hema Latha take the geometric logic one step further by identifying the lost continent as Mars. The reason why Mars is off in space now, rather than still part of Earth’s crust, is the expanding universe. Also Red Shift.


We were promised Clark Ashton
Smith's Mars, where intelligent plants from another dimension conscript local minions to extend their vegetable empire to Earth, where tentacled abominations dwell within abyssal depths and enslave new arrivals by sucking out their eyeballs, where brain-digesting zombifying pancakes infest the Vaults of Yoh-Vombis.

All those activities come under the heading of "fundamental Akkie principles of management".

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Competition

Oh noes! There is mayoral competition for mah porcini patch!

Mrs Spat, why are you not out there guarding them?

Friday, May 15, 2015

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Dentistry not just theft, also sexual assault

A Wellington man accused of pulling out women’s teeth told a girlfriend he liked “gummy women” and said she was more beautiful when she was not wearing her dentures, his trial has been told.
Wait, what? Perhaps he said "L.A. Woman" and she misheard. It is an easy mistake to make, especially after playing the Clash's "Gums of Brixton" over and over all morning.
This woman, who also has had her name suppressed, said Hansen pulled four of her teeth out with pliers when they were in a relationship. 
WTF? Did the library pixies secretly switch my reality with a new John Waters movie to see if I'd notice the difference?
It is established fact that dentists are all wannabe surrealist writers, and possibly vice versa, but amateur dentists are another kettle of red herrings and a mare's nest of worms:
The first woman to testify against Hansen said that in the early 1990s he pulled out six of her bottom teeth with pliers and an oily rag when they had moved to the back seat of his car to have sex.
I know from weird foreplay, but that is a new one on me, as Lemmy said after counting his moles. The guy cherished his fantasies of toothless ladies but he preferred conducting actual tooth-puller cosplay himself to maintain tumescence and hasten the moment of happy release. This is an unfamiliar paraphilia with no name to be found in the usual catalogs of fetish.

Hansen's defense was that all tooth removal was by consent and that he was not in a position to dominate his partners, it is not as if they were indentured. Fortunately he was convicted on several charges (although acquitted on others)... this has spared us the unedifying spectacle of censorious conservatives prating on about the toothlessness of current legislation.

At Riddled we do not judge, and we take no position on aberrant sex. Although "standing up" is right out on account of the possibility that it might lead to dancing.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Warm Spinnerette

It is far from clear why these Italian researchers were seized with a whimsy -- or with a caprice, which is the same thing but in Italian -- to spray spiders with aqueous suspensions of graphene or carbon nanoducts. My own suspicion is that they were entering the arachnids in a gladiatorial tournament and thought to give them an unfair advantage over the spiders from other laboratories, by coating their exoskeletons with nanocarbon armourplate. Not that vile entertainments of this form ever occur at the Old Entomologist, on account of old fever-wracked Mauricio Santos-Lobos always winning.
Pugno and his colleagues captured five spiders from the Pholcidae family and sprayed them with a mixture of water and graphene particles 200 to 300 nanometres wide. They also sprayed another 10 spiders with carbon nanotubes and water to compare the effects of the two materials.
Spiders provide dwarves with Kevlar
jackets, where is the gratitude?
So the spiders managed to absorb the nanoplumbing somehow and secrete it as a component of their silk output, reinforcing the threads so they became comparable in strength to the gray, rope-thick reticulations of strands that bridge the bottomless chasm beneath Mount Vormithadreth, that are woven by the spider-god Atlach-Nacha.
Some spiders produced below-par silk, but others got a major boost. The best fibres came from a spider dosed with nanotubes: it was around 3.5 times as tough and strong as the best unaltered silk, spun by the giant riverine orb spider.
Bad luck, giant riverine orb spider Caerostris darwini!
This biotech breakthrough might conjure up mental images of giant genegineered spiders in Earth orbit, extruding the threads of a Space Elevator or Skyhook .
Right: Wrong Skyhook

Left: Space Elevator --
Athanasius Kircher design

This is unlikely to happen soon, however, partly because of the difficulty with designing vacuum apparel for giant spiders, but mainly because the concept is already locked up by a broadly-written patent on 'traversers' whose titanic webs link the Earth to the Trojan-point-locked Moon [Aldiss, 1962] and are capable of snagging starships.

Nevertheless, the Italian results raise some interesting possibilities, and here at Riddled Research Laboratories we are already spraying spiders with Teflon in the hope of that they will secrete it and fulfill the age-old dream of creating non-stick webs.
Airplane Traps
UPDATE: I missed the best part of the New Scientist transcription of the Italians' press release:
At this early stage it's not clear how such a material will be used, but one possibility is a giant net capable of catching falling aircraft, suggests Pugno.
This is an opportunity to link to a Bob Calvert track.

Back at the Riddled Research Laboratory we have been exposing spiders to hairspray to see if they spin livelier, bouncier, envolumnised webs, but results are not encouraging.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

The marble Index of a mind

Dear Riddled,
I would like to borrow the time machine. I have a novel and interesting idea for reconstructing the missing arms of the Venus de Milo, but my therapist advised me that the Golden Age of interesting Venus de Milo reconstructions was back in the 19th Century, so for my idea to encounter a suitably receptive audience, I should go back to about 1882 to publish it. I believe that the Venus sculpture was actually a depiction of a Cyborg Hunter-Killer with milligun arms. Also it was originally painted magenta and called 'Venous'.
Mostly Armless
P.S. I am not a crank.

Dear Mr or Ms Armless (can we call you 'Mostly'?),
You need not be so pessimistic about modern-day hostility to new Venus reconstructions from excitable amateurs unencumbered by an excess of art-historical knowledge .

It is true that Suhr's 1958 revelation -- that the Venus depicted the pose of spinning -- received short shrift from Peter Fuller:
"Unfortunately, this little better than laughable reconstruction was bolstered only by arguments concerning the shape of the moon's shadow when projected to the earth, and a conspicuous contempt for empirical evidence in favour of intuitive, cultic speculation."
If 'shrift' is really a word (I suspect Another Kiwi of making it up). Anyway, this posed no obstacle to E. W. Barber's rediscovery of the theory in 1994. I mean, the Spinster theory was recently promoted in the august webpages of Slate.
[Thx Echidne!]
Sadly, the time machine is not currently available for loan, on account of next week's incident when mikey will borrow it, only to be caught by the Temporal Continuity Police doing two millennia per minute through a built-up suburb of Chronopolis. You have no idea how much fuss ensued, with bureaucratic sticky-beaks warning of possible "collisions with Chronos" and asking endless questions about "warrants of fitness" and such... all resolved only when tigris turned all involved parties into super-evolved felines (by releasing a couple of kittens back in the early Miocene Epoch), making them easily distractable by moving laser dots.
P.S. We are not cranks either.
--------------------------------------------------
How are we reconstructing the Venus de Milo's missing arms this week?

1. In martial-arts poses, exacting vengeance after a fish-related manifestation of the Terpsichorean muse.

2. Wrapped around the body of Brother Louis, a zealous monk of Perignon Abbey in Averoigne (a dead monk because crushed beneath the weight of the toppled statue).

3. Here is our alternative rendition of the Aphrodite as spinner. If she was careless enough to lose two arms she could have lost more. 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Notes towards a re-make of 'Сталкер'

"I'm off for lunch," I said; "I'll be back after two pints. Don't let Another Kiwi play with the Morphogenic Field Flux Intensifier. Especially don't let him intensify the foxes-and-sandwiches narrative."
But did anyone listen? DID THEY BOGROLL. Now foxes (the little foxes, that spoil the vineyards) are displaying advanced sammich-making capabilities. If this trend continues, soon they will be adopting appropriate Underpeople names like F'red and F'rank and operating their own franchises of the Prêt à Manger fastfood chain.
"No-one will think of blaming Riddled," said tigris reassuringly. "Everyone will think it was the fault of the foxes' exposure to the influence of the incomprehensible artefacts abandoned in the Alienation Zone."